Out of The Hubby's Mouth: I Keep Up with It Too

TH: Well, I know we've hit the right days.
M: Well, yeah.
TH: I know. I keep up with it too.
M: You do? Well, I should ovulate Saturday or Sunday, probably.
TH: Or the 15th.
M: Wow. Uh, yeah.

Saturday would be CD13 and my norm is CD13 or CD14, but CD15 is not out of the question. And I knew he probably had somewhat of an idea, but the fact that he knew we were upon O date shocked the hell out of me. And made me really happy all at the same time.

Too bad I won't know for sure in the end as I've stopped charting. Not permanently, probably, but for the next two cycles at least. I started out the cycle temping, but a few days in I started thinking about different upcoming events and just decided I didn't want to worry about it. I decided I might want to have a glass of wine on a particularly stressful workday or I might want to have a few glasses of wine when we have dinner with my family. And I might want to stay up late or have middle of the night sex. And I don't want to worry about how my temp is being effected by those things.

THAT would cause stress.

So, we're sort of winging it. Except that we're not. After charting for 21 cycles, my body doesn't have a lot of surprises. With the exception of the occasional "delayed" O, I'm a pretty regular gal and my CM is usually a pretty good indicator.

So, here we'll see how this approach works. Honestly, I'm looking forward to the break. And I'm sort of looking at it as a break from even trying. Not in the "if I don't try, I might get pregnant" sense, but just I don't want my holidays to revolve around my hormones.

And we'll see what happens beyond that.

At any rate, The Hubby knows what's going on, so maybe we'll just let him steer this train!

Through the Tears

My cousin is being induced today.

I found out that information yesterday and had forgotten a little until this morning because, as with much of her pregnancy, I've been in denial. But, now, there will be a baby. I cannot deny pretend it isn't happening anymore.

So, I went to her Facebook page and posted that I'm praying for her today and that I love her and can't wait to meet the baby.

All of those things are true. More than true.

And yet I cried as I typed. (And I'm at work, so that was fun.)

I don't mean to cry. It's almost involuntary (and I cry at everything, for any reason, so it really shouldn't be that surprising).

I'm just sad that this is real.
I'm sad that I'm the oldest, by far, of the grandchildren and I'm not providing the first great-grandchild. That is completely stupid and selfish and I fully recognize that, but I can't help it.
I'm sad that my IF issues are not as easy as hers were to figure out. (I have other opinions on that, but they are too crappy for me to even talk about in this blog. Those I keep just for the dark recesses of my own mind.)
I'm sad that we didn't get to be pregnant together and that any child I have will be at the very least 9 months younger.

And I'm scared.
I'm scared of seeing my family this weekend (not her; she lives 5 hours away) and the gushing that will go on and how I will react.
I'm scared of how I will be the first time I see the baby.

I'm just plain sad and scared for myself. None of this is about her. And I think that is something so many people just don't understand.

Her pregnancy and this baby did not cause these feelings. IF caused them. My cousin and the baby - and every other pregnancy and baby - are just triggers. They are constant reminders of what I'm not and what I don't have.

And I don't feel like that is a negative view. It's just the truth. I don't want anybody else's life or pregnancy or baby.

I just want my own, but every new one is that reminder.

I'm sure when I have to I will smile and ooh and aww. It's what I do. It's what I do best.

But, here, in my blog and in my thoughts, I do feel like a horrible person for putting on a happy face through my tears. 

Perception

Something was said to me today. A small, truly innocent comment, that hurt.

It hurt a lot. More than just about anything that has been said to me during this whole journey.

The content of the remark is not important. It was more the meaning behind - that it showed other people's perception of me and my feelings and actions during this process.

I thought I was past all of the negative perceptions and opinions of my struggle. I'm not naive enough to think there are not people who hold negative opinions about me and this process, but I felt that I was beyond that with people who know the situation - and me - best.

It was something I was always afraid, from the beginning - even before here was the IF.

I was afraid of being labeled as overly hormonal/emotional, as wanting it too much, as bitter.

I was afraid of it because in some ways those things are true. And because of a comment made to me at one point early on and stories I had heard from other about comments made to them, I kept things to myself and later between me and this blog.

Slowly, I did start to open up to more people. First, it was only when they asked. I didn't want to burden people with my problems and feelings that were so personal and I just felt too many wouldn't understand all the raw emotions.

To my surprise, many seemed to get it and I let my guard down more. I still don't openly talk about everything but it's out there.

But now I'm realizing it is too much and maybe I need to check myself more because people don't get it.

And they judge me. And they feel sorry for me. And they my own words and feelings against me, whether they mean to or not.

The thing is people don't get that I don't like the way I feel and the things I think. I would give anything not to be this way.

But I am.

And I still refuse to apologize for it.

But I probably will be a little more careful about hiding it from others.

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The Face in the Mirror

A lot of years ago, back when I fancied myself something of a writer (yeah, I was one of those AP English, almost English major types who thought I was going to write the great American novel), I started what I hoped to be a good story. A novel, I hoped. It was about woman who gave up much of her youth to care for younger siblings after her parents died. It was a story that started at end and took you back to where she had been to get to where she ended up.

The title I chose was "The Face in the Mirror."

The title, and then the story, was born from a moment I had in  my own life. I was 23, out of college, no job, living at home with my parents and my brothers, was a year out from a break up with my first love. I was getting out of the bath tub, turned my head, and was my own face in the mirror.

It was one of the most clear out of body experiences I've ever had in  my life. I felt as though the face staring back at me was a completely different person.

My reaction to that was to examine myself and where I was in my life and what it was that made me feel as though the person I was seeing wasn't me.

I realized that I still saw myself as the person I had been growing up, through high school. I still saw myself as the person I really felt like my old friends would always see me as, but I knew I wasn't that person anymore. I had recognized many times during college that I was a different person - a better version of myself. I had really grown up and into my own, but in doing so, I really had lost a lot of who I was as a person when I was a teenager. My life at that point was NOTHING like I expected and I didn't forsee it getting there any time soon.

Just yesterday, I had the same experience. I've had it off and on over the last year as I've dealth with IF. But, I think yesterday's moment was triggered by a combination of things.

I've already been feeling my age lately. And today, the older of my baby brothers turns 21. That may not seem significant, but when I can recount the day of his birth as well as my parent probably could, it's pretty significant to me.

And it's just put me back in the place of not recognizing myself because I'm no longer the person I once was and I'm, again, NOWHERE near where I expected to be at this point in my life.

I have a hard time defining myself these days. I have a hard time knowing how I am, where I'm headed, and what I want.

And it's not that everything in my life has revolved or been leading up to having kids. I've always had other things in my life. I have a husband, I have hobbies, I have a job I (usually) enjoy, I have friends, I have family, I have other goals. But for as long as I can ever remember - whenever I played pretend (no matter the game),whenever I pictured events in my life -  me being a mom was there.

So, now, it's hard to see myself, at this age and stage of my life, and not see myself as a mom.

I'm struggling every day to move past that and to find me somewhere in this mess.

And hopefully I'll find myself in my reflection some day soon.

Sometimes All You Can Do Is Laugh - Before You Cry

Thought I would log on quickly this morning and get my annual benefits enrollment done.

Quick, painless, easy.

Ha.

Anybody care to guess how hard I laughed at that one?

Until I almost burst into tears at my desk.

Fucking CD1.

Here's the thing. I've been planning a pregnancy in the upcoming benefits year for two years now. Year one, I started an FSA. And lost a lot of money. Year two, I put less money in said FSA. It is not October, and I will be losing a lot of money.

Can somebody tell me what the fuck a planned pregnancy is because I don't even know anymore. I've been trying to plan a pregnancy for two damned years and I haven't succeeded. If there ever is a pregnancy, I can guarantee you I will be more than surprised by it.

So, yeah, I laughed. Briefly.

Now, I would just like to go home and cry.

Oh, excpet, since my period started while I was at work, I actually have to go home and tell The Hubby that I'm not pregnant, which I'm pretty sure is going to crush him this time.

Fun time.

Fucking Monday.



Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Do you have any pregnancy tests?

"Hey, do you have any pregnancy tests here?"

I was getting ready to head out the door to do the grocery shopping. I'm not sure if he expected me to pick some up after I told him I did not. But I certainly has no intention of doing so.

And, no, I did not and do not have any HPTs in the house.

In many ways, I love that he asks because I know it shows how much he wants it. But it kills me at the same time because I hate to see how disappointed and angry and upset he gets when I have to tell him I'm not.

I wish he knew what I do. I wish he could see and understand what two days of temp drops mean. I wish it erased for him, like it does for me, that hope.

And I hate to say that because I appreciate his positivity.

I love to hear him say God told him I am pregnant.

I love that he notices the fact that my skin is not breaking out right now. At all. And that he thinks that has to mean I'm pregnant.

But I refuse to let those things override the science I know to be true.

How many times have I allowed my body to play tricks on me? Too many.

So, yes, I've had some different sort of things going on with "the girls." And there was that one instance of spotting Friday morning. Oh, and the strange cramping. Not to mention that little appearance of EWCM this morning. Or the complete lack of all things PMS.

Two years ago, a year ago, hell six months ago, I might have let those things linger in my mind.

Now, falling temp patterns at 13 and 14 DPO, just lead me to the conclusion that this is one of my weird cycles and my period will be waiting for me tomorrow morning.

So, no, babe, no pregnancy tests for this house.

And I'm sorry to crush your hopes one more time.

I Just Broke Down

In the card aisle at Target buying a baby shower card for The Hubby's former boss.

That was a true first.

Didn't think I had any more of those in me.

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