Reason # 5,261 That I Chart

And that charting through the cycle can be beneficial.

CD28, 14DPO. Mild, inconsistent cramping. Irritability. No sore boobs. One incident of minor spotting at 13DPO and nothing else.

Hmm. Maybe I should stop on the way home for a test, right?

Uh-uh. Not a chance in hell.

But, why?

Thank you, body, for at least doing one thing right. A huge temp drop at 13DPO followed by a 0.05 rise (still to right at coverline) at 14PDO is much more telling than any symptoms or lack thereof. If not for that, I'd certainly be wasting more money.

Of course, I would be lying if I didn't say there wasn't a glimmer of hope. There always is, but I'm at least very logical this time in knowing what my body is telling me. And our timing was not good. At all. So, there was never any real hope, but under the circumstance, I was never going to be disappointed with this cycle.

And, with all that said, I'm going to the bathroom again.

Nothing like putting out there in the blog that my period hasn't started to make it show! Works every time!

Reflecting

I was totally going somewhere else with the post I planned to write today, but I started looking back through old posts, fearful that I was going to start being repetitive.

Now, I don't remember all the thoughts I had rolling around in my head and am just feeling very reflective about my TTC journey.

Maybe that's fitting since this post is actually coming at the two-year mark.

My feelings have been so mixed lately.

My desire for a child, to be a mom has gotten even stronger. I have these fleeting moments that hit me so hard that I can barely breathe. I feel a baby in my arms, or picture myself picking out baby items, or reading to a small child. These things seem so tangible lately.

If this was two years ago, or even a year ago, I might have felt comforted by that. Like maybe I was preparing myself somehow. And, really, it's those strong feelings that sort of pull me through some days.

But the very flip side of it all is the disenchantment with trying. I am so far beyond over it that a lot of times I don't even have the desire to try. It feels so fruitless.

And I feel hypocritical in many ways that I get sympathy for my "struggle" with IF. Yes, I put myself into the category because the "rule" is one year of unsuccessful trying = IF. I still struggle with the fact that I am unexplained. I feel like I don't really have room to complain when I'm not doing anything "help" my situation.

But, the bottom line is we cannot affort treatments. We could swing a round or two of just Clomid with monitoring (and there would be monitoring; Clomid without monitoring is NOT an option). But I just worry that I will put us through the emotional mess that could be for not much of an increase in odds given that I'm doing okay on all the things Clomid is meant to help. So, do I really get to play the IF card if I continue along the same path?

And I am just so unhappy with myself in general.

I am so disgusted looking in the mirror by the constant outbreaks I see. They are ALL I see when I look at myelf and I wonder how I can put forth the confident face I'm supposed to with my role as a Stella & Dot stylist and even my day job when all I want to do is hide my face.

And I don't feel much better about my body. I cannot lose weight. Since the beginning of the year, I've ballooned up to my highest weight ever, I've joined a gym, I've tried Weight Watchers, these days I don't eat much at all. And all I have to show for it is about 17 pounds lost, which still leaves me at least 50 pounds overweight. While I fully admit to not always having the best eating habits and to being a bit of a gym slacker from time to time, a lot of that stems from just not caring because even when I do care, I feel like it's not getting me anywhere, so why try?

I look at the clothes in my closet and hate the ones I have to wear and miss the ones I can no longer wear. I felt so good about myself when I was 30 pounds lighter and I just can't seem to get back there.

This morning, I actually had thoughts of going back on birth control for a month (because I still have a pack), which would really serve no purpose other than to ensure I definitely don't get pregnant. And I think, well, what if we just take a break. If it happened, what a surprise, but just let myself focus on my body.

But would that make me feel any better? Probably not.

Basically, we will keep going to the way we have until another option are more reachable.

I fear a little for my sanity sometimes.

I've been feeling every year and month of my age, which is very new to me. But, at less than a year and half to go before I'm classified as advanced maternal age, I feel like each passing month is a ticking time bomb. It scares me.

Anything related to kids, babies, and pregnancy makes me cry (with a few exceptions). Every Facebook status update of a pregnancy/birth/child announcement or woe or milestone or simple funny kiddo story. Every new picture of a sonogram or growing belly or new baby or even someone's kiddo who just turned 5 or 7 or 11.

Sometimes, I can just be watching TV and thoughts get so overwhelming that I have to pause what I'm watching to catch my breath to hold back the tears.

As I look back on this journey I'm on, I just feel no closer to the end. Of course, that makes me question what the end really looks like because it used to look like a baby, but now I don't know. And I don't feel like I've learned anything from this other than dealing with emotional pain.

I am at such a crossroads and don't know which direction I will take.

I feel like I am at the end of something that never really began.

Gone

August 25.

One month, two days.

It feels like all time exists after that day.

Life as we knew it will never be the same.

The Hubby and I have a group of friends. And seemingly odd collection of friends with seemingly not a much in common - except maybe a love of poker. But we're friends, almost a dysfunctional family at times. It seems, though, that you don't really realize what you've got until something big happens. Very big.

One of our friends, one of The Hubby's best friends, took his own life.

The aftermath has been the most difficult, the most surreal thing I have ever dealt with. Period.

Anything else I write at this point is more than I need to cover here, although, I want to put it out there that this person suffered from clinical depression - it is very important to me that people are aware of this and understand that depression is a sickness and that he is not judged by this act.

I had to get this post out there, though, because, as I said, I feel like everything in my life now takes place post that event. So, everything in my life is now colored by what happened - including getting pregnant.

This happened 2DPO last cycle. I managed to get a couple of days worth of temps in to confirm O then put away the thermometer. We weren't getting much sleep and I just didn't want to deal with the whole process. Once this cycle came, I nearly didn't even bother temping because I my heart was not even into trying. (I did decide to temp. just so I would have an idea of where I was in the cycle at th end; and we did sort of try, but I just didn't push timing.)

TTC has taken on such a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, the desire for a child has almost intensified (I also blame some of that on hitting the two year mark) - which I did not think possible. But on the other, the process has started to feel so ridiculous and pointless (also a possible side effect of the two ear mark).

I think I may have sort of lost where I was going with this post other than to get out there what has been going on because things have changed for me. I don't fully know how, but they have. And by getting this out here, I can hopefully move on in terms of this blog and maybe TTC.

Sad, lonely blog

Apparently, I've been in radio silence. Of course, I wish that meant good news that I wasn't ready to share, even here, but it does not.

It so started out as a good thing. I was in an okay place and handling my emotions really well - not feeling the need to express them in cyber world.

But the past few weeks have been completely different and I've so wanted to write. Lots of thoughts in my head. But I don't know how to express them all.

Some of what is going on is left for another post because I still really, truly cannot deal with getting those words out there.

One thing I do have to get out there, though, is that the second anniversary is upon me. A year ago tomorrow I began Cycle 13. I don't know the exact date of Cycle 1 because I wasn't yet charting and "serious" about the whole TTC thing, but I know it was September.

Something about these milestones really get to me. I never, not even with my fears going into it, thought I would sit here two years later with no pregnancy or baby. Never.

Sadness. Lost. Bitter.

I can hardly describe how I feel anymore. It's become too difficult and I've found myself not liking the way I feel about certain situation, but I also find myself not apologizing for it either.

I owe myself and any readers I have a good update. And I'll get there, but for now, I just need to acknowlege this time for what it is.

Because

Because the baby who just learned to walk will still take a few minutes to stop walking and snuggle with her favorite aunt.

Because The Hubby, who never so much as held a baby, flocks to the two-year-old with cerebral palsey and makes her giggle.

Because The Hubby finds as much amusement as a three-year-old in jumping over every crack in the Walmart floor.

Because a three-year-old swinging his legs while holding our hands walking to the car is great fun - a great arm workout!

Because there is no better sound than a young child's incessant giggle.

Because it is so much fun to learn how much they know.

Because I love the brownies in the kids' frozen meals and, somehow, I always end up with them.

Because seeing The Hubby and three-year-old cuddle in their sleep melts my heart.

Because my Raspy needs a new BFF - much to Daddy's chagrin.

Because after a full weekend with three-year-old, we weren't exhausted and relieved to have our quiet (ha!) home back - in fact, it would have been just fine if he had stayed, permanantly.

Crying

What is it about some days? I feel so over it all this morning. I can't even get makeup on because I can't stop crying. For no real reason other than I'm just so over this whole thing. And even I'm tired of me.

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The Hole

How can you ache for something you've never had? Miss someone who has never existed?

How can I have dreams and visions of a child I may never know? How do I have flashes of doing things that might never happen?

It's starting to get harder. Across the board harder. I'm having a more difficult time with it all. Maybe it is bitterness setting in. Maybe it is the knowledge that, right now, the situation is not changing so my focus has sort of been elsewhere. Maybe it is BECAUSE my focus has been elsewhere - you know, they say if you relax and don't think about it it will happen.

I've started to hate Facebook a little. Within the last three weeks, I've seen at least three pregnancy announcements out of nowhere (of course they are out of nowhere for me because these are people I only have contact with on Facebook, but they are still pregnancies I didn't see coming). I've recently friended my pregnant cousin and immediately wished I hadn't. And she doesn't even post that much. It's even hard to see pictures of the kiddos I love seeing.

It is not about jealousy or why them and not me. I'm just sad for me. I don't wish others' babies away or wish they were mine. I actually physically ache sometimes for my child that does not exist. I cannot even seem to articulate what I'm feeling these days. I feel so far removed from getting pregnant and being a mommy yet at the same time the nonexistent child and lack of motherhood are the biggest holes in my life.

I've tried for nearly two years now to find the balance. To live my life while trying. To make my life about other things. And, quite frankly, I'm kind of there. While the Hubby and I are still battling with some TTC tension, we're actually in a decent place. The Hubby and I are both really focused on our health and losing weight. My job is probably better than it has been in a lot of years. I'm doing something for myself and trying to set some new goals with my new Stella & Dot venture.

But I fear that all that balance has done is still shown where that gaping hole is. I think I feel like "hey, karma/God/fates/whatever, my life is in balance. Where's my baby?"

But, maybe that alone makes me still not there yet.