A Liar, of sorts

I think I've come to a decision that makes me a little bit of a liar.

I think I have about made the decision to stop trying to get pregnant.

Why does this make me liar? Because I've always said I couldn't stop trying unless I knew there was no way we could get pregnant or unless I had exhaused all the options.

Neither of those things has happened.

But, still, it's becoming a very real possibility that I cannot continue with the process - at least not how I have been.

I still want children, want to be a mom. Desperately. But at what cost?

My mental health is taking a beating. I've never been the most secure person on the plant - far from it. I have deep-seeded insecurities that have nothing to do with TTC, but I feel like my failure in that area has brought all the others back to the surface.

I keep thinking of that old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." Hell, that's the definition of TTC.

Yes, we have other options. We could try fertility meds, we could do IUI. But, for so many reasons, I don't know that these are options for me. Emotionally, mentally, financially these options are not appealing. We quite literally can't afford them. And with where I already am mentally and emotionally, I don't know that those would be smart options. None of the options are quaranteed, so what will that do to me when the conventional methods are already taking their toll?

I just don't know how much more I can take. TTC doesn't take all my time and energy and thoughts like it did for a period of time. I think getting over the hump into IF and not feeling all the time that "this is SO going to be it" helped a little. But, lately, I just dread taking my temp. I don't even want to buy stupid OPKs. I'm tired of worrying about sex and when to have it and telling The Hubby what we can or can't do and when we should or shouldn't do something. I hate that right after sex, The Hubby says "but you aren't ovulating, are you?" It is 100% stressful, 100% of the time.

And I've been feeling more and more that maybe I should listen to the nagging part of my gut that tells me this isn't happening for a reason. It could be that all this time, I've been wrong. The thing about being a mom is I always felt like it was the one thing I would be really great at. I'm not really great at, well, anything. Put me in a group of people and despite any area I might excel at a little bit, I'm not known for being great at anything. For some reason, I always thought that would come when I was a mom.

But I feel like I'm being schooled there. I see so many moms around me who are truly exceptional. I'm in awe of them and I wonder if maybe I've been wrong. That maybe I wouldn't excel at being a mom and maybe somebody is trying to spare me the heartbreak of realizing that I suck at it.

That is probably, admittedly, my insecurities talking. But, I've really been thinking that there is a reason for this and I need to step back and take a closer look at things.

I could never stop wanting. Nothing will ever fill that void. Ever. And I won't ever do anything to keep from getting pregnant. No more birth control for me. I won't be avoiding fertile times. But I think the time has time come to stop this madness before I lose myself, my sanity, my marriage.

Nothing is set in stone. I'll chart out this cycle and go from there. This may just be a break. I don't know what this is.

All I know is whatever it is is not working for me anymore.

Anatomy of a BFN

I don't usually pick apart a cycle. I usually don't feel the need because I always feel like there were things we didn't do right or could have done better, so while disappointed and upset, I've tried to forge ahead with a better outlook for the next cycle.

This was different.

After the cycle before being a complete bust, which I turned out to be okay with, we resolved to do what we needed to do to get the job done.

We were continuing our fitness routine and I had added a BodyPump class once to twice a week (I will admit to missing quite a few workouts due to late nights staying up for playoff basketball). Of course I continued charting and broke the OPKs back out. The Hubby and I talked and we decided to see if we couldn't manage sex every day of positive OPKs.

Here's the thing about The Hubby and me. We've never been sex every day kind of people. In the nine and half years we've been together, I'm not sure we've ever had sex on back to back days except maybe the day we got married and the day after (and I'm not even 100% sure about that). Let's just say neither of us is usually up for that. But, he agreed to give it try. Since we know for sure there are no sperm issues, we figured it certainly couldn't hurt.

I got the first positive OPK on CD11. Sex. Another couple of positives on CD12. Sex during halftime of Game 2 Mavs vs. Lakers. Negative OPK on CD1 and a temp rise, BUT I had been ovulating on CD13 rather frequently and since positive OPKs indicate ovulation within the next 24 to 48 hours, we decided to try one more time. About killed us, but we did it. And I figured with the temp rise, at worst I would ovulate on CD14, but we had three days of sex before, so I wasn't worried.

Imagine my surprise when my temp went up again on CD14. One more high temp and I will have ovulated on CD12. Seriously? Apparanetly so because CD15 brought that temp rise and put me at 3DPO. While I thought this was odd, at least our timing couldn't have been better O-1, O, O+1. It really doesn't get any better than that.

And here came the "fun" part. The 2ww drag. BUT, I had a little something different going on this time - I was preparing for my Stella & Dot launch show, so I was distracted. Mark one toward the positive.

The Hubby bent over backwards to keep me stress free. He was wonderful. I had a major screwup - MAJOR. He acted like it was no big deal. He helped cook, clean, shop. He just did everything possible to make my life easier, so when he asked that I also think positive, it was easy to oblige. Mark two.

Then came the home stretch. Those last few days when emotions go crazy and phantom symptoms run rampant. So, symptoms? I just can't even tell them anymore, so I basically ignore ones that are there. The one I couldn't ignore was cramping, but since I'm not normally an early cramper, I did wonder.

Then there were the emotions. This is where it got interesting. My emotions were, in fact, all over the place, but there may have been underlying causes. This week at work was one of the best weeks we've had in a long time. We got multiple pieces of good news, so we were all on a bit of high. I think I got too caught up in it. I felt like maybe it was going to be a week of positives in more way than one. And this news indirectly affected some concerns I've had about maternity leave should I have gotten pregnant last cycle or this. So, maybe this really was all about timing.

And then my body messed with my mind yet again. I went all the way to 15DPO before buying tests. I have never had an LP longer than 14 days. Never say never.

Of course, it was not meant to be. And the reason I don't keep a positive outlook is because I fall so hard. I stayed positive right up until purchasing the pregnancy tests. I bought them, but I knew as I stood in line, I was wasting money.

I'm very angry. I know that I shouldn't be. I AM dealing with infertility. Plain and simple, no way around it. I am not going to get pregnant on my own. The problem is nobody else believes that. I fucking hate unexplained IF because people, including most importantly my own husband, do not think it is really real. Tests came back fine, so we just have to wait. Waiting and trying is futile at this point.

But, I also don't have a choice. I will talk to the doctor this cycle and make sure there is nothing else we want to test/look at before moving forward. At this point, though, the furthest we could move is Clomid. IUI is where we need to be, but we can't afford it and won't be able to for awhile. Hell, I don't actually even know how much the Clomid and the monitoring will be, so who knows if that will even be do-able (I'm sure it will be).

My hope has about run out. I can't handle much more of the pain and disappointment. Even when I'm numb to it, it's still too much to bear. I really feel like if it was going to happen for us, it would be happening without assistance. And it's not. If we can have perfect timing in so many ways and a perfect environment and not get pregnant, shouldn't I be taking THAT as a sign?

I truly, honestly do not know where I go from here. I'm tired of the whole thing. I feel like it is killing and picking away at my confidence and self esteem with each passing day. I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad for my husband and our families because I can't make a baby. I feel like a complete and utter failure (and I don't mean that I blame myself because I don't; I know it isn't actually my fault).

Two days into this new cycle, I don't know where I'm going. I've never entered a new cycle without hope, but that's how I feel right now. I feel like we will once again be going through the motions of trying to make a baby.

Only to fail again.

That Would Be a Negative

Actually, testing was sort of a moot point. Didn't even get that far.

Just a quick post in case anybody is keeping up this way. I appreciate the support. I am not in a good place at all today. I will post the Anatomy of a BFN later.

Waiting, Waiting

Test in the house.

Cramps I am trying to ignore.

Playoff basketball a slight distraction.

Have no idea how I will sleep except I was up at 4:00 fot the gym.

Terrified that after all the waiting, after buying the tests I will wake up to another big temp drop and it will be stupid to test.

Wish I could pretend away these cramps.

Six and half hours.

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Somewhere, Somebody Is Laughing

I have these flashes of Pregnancy Test Gods, Mother Nature, somebody siting somewhere having a great laugh at my expense.

I've been exercising radio silence on the blog for the past week or so. No, not pregnant (well, maybe; we're getting to that). Honestly, this blog will most likely be the fourth place a pregnancy is "announced," despite the fact that people who know me in my real life read it - frankly, if you've come this far with me, you get to come the whole way, good or bad. Anyway, the radio silence has been more due to my mindset during this 2ww.

First, I was VERY occupied with my luanch show for my new Stella & Dot business (http://stelladot.com/sites/ashleybearden), so I had other things to think about for the first week or so.

The other thing going on has been The Hubby's gentle insistence that I keep a positive attitude. He's been really pushing for a stressfree 2ww and for me to not be so pessimistic this time around.

As we have covered previously, this is not an easy thing for me.

But, for him, I tried.

But, I could not bring myself to write a blog about being positive. Maybe I thought it would jinx me. Maybe I thought it would come across as hypocritical or disingenuous. Whatever the reason, I just couldn't blog.

Now, I sit at 15DPO. That is if FF is to be believed. I O'd on CD12, which is a day earlier than I've ever O'd, but I got solid CHs from the beginning and to look at my chart, it does not seem off at all. So, let's just say I'm 15DPO.

And my period has not started.

My temps don't know what they want to do.

And there are no HPTs in the house.

This is where the laughter is coming in.

My temp dropped some on Tuesday, but still well above coverline. So, I told my friend Bethany that if my temp went back up on Wednesday (14DPO), I would test and if it went down, I would wait until Friday if period was still MIA. Completely logical. Well, my temp went down again on Wednesday (still above coverline), so easy decision: no test. Half expected my period all day. I've been cramping on and off since Monday/Tuesday. Not a trace of spotting.

With nothing happening, except more intense cramping Wednesday night, I decide to see what Thursday's temp does. If up, safe to test. If down, wait out the day for my period.

Wait for it . . . you'll hear the universe laughing at me . . .

My temp. went down by .01. So, basically, it stayed the same as yesterday.

Do you hear it yet?

I decided, at 4:10 am, that I should test anyway just to get it over with. It is 15DPO after all and my average LP is 13 days (though I do go 14 from time to time). I just knew there was one more test in the house.

If you didn't hear it before, you'll hear it now . . .

No tests. No FRER. No Dollar Tree. Nada. Not one single pregnancy test to be found in my house.

Now you hear it, don't you?

Yep, that is somebody, somewhere, knowing that they are playing the ultimate practical joke on my body.

All I can think right now is that I was not meant to test. For whatever reason. Maybe somebody is sparing me. Maybe it will be a joke that I have to wait one more day to find out I'm pregnant.

Back to the original plan for Friday. I'll buy the test after work if nothing else is happing.

Maybe this time I'LL get the last laugh!

It's Not the Pregnancy That Gets Me

The Hubby told me tonight that his boss announced her pregnancy today.

Okay. I'm happy for her. I've never met her, but from what The Hubby says, she seems like a really nice person.

The Hubby says he wasn't sure if he should tell me because "you know how you get."

Yeah, I do. I don't mean to, but other people being pregnant while we keep trying and trying stings. Doesn't mean I'm not happy for them, but it stings. Sorry. I'm human - or a hormonal woman dealing with infertility. Whatever.

But, I didn't know his boss's situation. For all I knew, she had been struggling too. But, either way, good for her.

Then, he tells me the rest. After she announced it, she looked at The Hubby and said "Don't worry. It'll happen when God wants it to."

Why? Just why?

Why the hell do people feel the need to say that?

But, wait, it gets better.

She also said they were not trying at all, so this changes a lot of things.

Awesome. Makes the "It'll happen when God wants it to" statement SO much better.

I sound like a broken record, but I really do believe it will happen when God wants it to. But, when someone else says it, all it makes me feel is that they are saying God doesn't want me to have a baby now. And, to further that, they are saying that God thinks it is better timing for the teenager whose boyfriend slept with her and dumped her than it is for me and my husband who are married, with stable jobs and a home.

And what pisses me off even more is The Hubby just agrees. He so does not get IF. And he makes me feel like I'm a crazy person for wanting it so badly and for not wanting to hear those comments or for it hurting to watch my mom discuss pregnancy with my cousin instead of me, her own daughter.

It makes me want to scream, which of course, makes me seem like more of a crazy person. And, you know, sometimes I feel like a crazy person. I wonder what is wrong with me that I want this so much and get so upset and frustrated. Shouldn't I be able to deal with it better than this? Shouldn't I just be able to move on and accept things? Do people think that about me behind my back? If my own husband feels that way, what do others think?

I hate that things like this upset me. What this woman said was not said in malice. It was said to comfort, to give hope.

But it does just the opposite for me.

Maybe I am just a crazy person.

Not Just Sunday

I swore to myself that I wasn't going to do this.

I was not going to be effected by this day.

We had no big plans. Just usual Sunday stuff.

It was not going to be Mothers' Day. It was just going to be Sunday.

But it's not just Sunday.

It is Mothers' Day. And, as it should be, it is everywhere.

I didn't want to cry calling my own mother. I love her. And she's a wonderful mother. But just as much as I'm celebrating her, I'm not celebrating me.

The Hubby was debating when to mow the lawn. He said he was going to do it yesterday and I told him to do it today. He said he didn't want to mow on Mothers' Day. I told him it didn't matter - no mothers in our house.

I was wished a Happy Mothers' Day no fewer than three times when out shopping yesterday. I felt like I wanted to get a T-shirt made up that said "I'm not a mom." But that would be bitter.

I am not bitter today. Just sad.

I do truly wish all mothers a very Happy Mothers' Day.

But it is still a reminder. 

Power of Prayer

I've heard them all. Everyone struggling with IF has heard the lines.

When you stop trying, it'll happen.
It'll happen when you least expect expect.
Relax.
Maybe it's not your time.
God has a plan.
Have you tried . . .

But one other thing I've heard, not as often, is "I'm praying for you."

I don't know what it is about that line that effects me more than any of the others. It almost wipes away all of the crappy, uneducated things people say.

I am, as I think I've mentioned before, a believer in God's will and God's plan. I believe in the power of prayer - I've seen how it works.

And I know a lot of people who say "I'm praying for you" or some variation as an automatic response. It's not that I think these people are not true to their words, but I don't always believe their sincerity.

Other people, I truly believe put thought and real authenticity behind their prayers.

I hate to distinguish because who wouldn't take a prayer or good thought in whatever form it comes. And I do.

But, it's the people in the latter category who touch me. These are people who don't say "I'll be praying for you," but rather, "I've been praying for you."

This may seem like semantics, but when someone says that to me, I feel as though they've been thinking about my situation, they truly believe that The Hubby and I should be parents, and really want to help us in the only way they can.

It makes me feel so incredibly lucky to have people in my life who care that much about me.

It touches my heart.

It's Coming

The Day.

A day I have dreaded since about August of last year and then moreso just a couple of weeks ago.

Mother's Day.

It's supposed to be a happy, fun, celebratory day.

But for those of us struggling to become a mother, it's hell. Pure, unrelenting hell.

It is everywhere. Every commercial, every TV show, every store, every ad, every restaurant.

I didn't realize it last year. I had no idea it would feel that way. I had only been trying 8 months, so I was always careful to check myself when it came to pity about TTC. So, while Mother's Day stuff got to me a bit, it wasn't until the day of that I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was also probably harder because at the time, I had friends celebrating their first Mother's Day as new mommies, there were new babies everywhere between family and friends.

And nobody even thought about it, even realized. I had to explain it to The Hubby. He was remarkably understanding (as he so often is with his crazy, hormonal wife). I had to spell it out to my mom. Despite her IF issues, it was something that wouldn't have occurred to her since her, with her IF being secondary, she was able to celebrate Mother's Day with a child.

I'm trying really hard this year not to let it be a "thing" for me. Quite honestly, I think I'm in denial. It's a bit of that fear creeping in again, I think.

I don't want to be the sulky, bitter IF girl. I want to celebrate my mother - and all mothers - at I have in the past, but it's really hard to focus on that when my heart feels empty in the spot made for a child.

I'm afraid of how I will be. I'm afraid of what others will say.

Will we take my MIL to lunch or dinner and the host/hostess ask how many mothers in our party or if I'm a mother? That's happened. Will someone say Happy Mother's Day to me? That will hurt. When with my family, will it get mentioned that I'm the only non-mom in the family now that my cousin is pregnant? Will they be fawning over her and making a big deal about this being her "first Mother's Day." I don't know if I can handle that.

But, I'm preparing myself for all of these things. Thankfully, much of the actual day will just be spent at home with The Hubby. Less exposure =  less chance for upset.

I really, really, really don't want to fell these things. I've been trying very hard to ignore the little crying urges and focus on celebrating my own mom, MIL, and grandmother.

But it's hard.

So Much Bigger Than Me

I'm not generally a self-absorbed, pay attention to me and my problems kind of person. (At least, I don't think I am; I certainly try not to be.) So, I don't generally feel as though my problems are bigger than other things going on in the world.

But, I will admit to wallowing in my own self pity from time to time.

Days like today, though, make remember that it is so not all about me. That there are things in this world that are some much bigger than me and my problems.

I've shed tears the past few days. Not ever the impending Mother's Day that I will again spend not as a mom (though all the commercials for it don't help) or just plain that I'm not pregnant.

A year ago today The Hubby's best friend's dad passed away after a long illness. We are very close to the family and were with them at the hospital up until a few hours before he died. My heart is just aching for the family today because I know how hard this day is for them. And it is for all of us.

And then there is the death of Osama Bin Laden. The U.S.'s victory over terrorism and the 9/11 attacks. (Disclaimer: I know there is more terrorism in the world, but I feel for the U.S., this is one of the biggest victories we can ever have in, for lack of a better word, avenging the deaths of the people killed on September 11, 2001.) I feel very proud to be an American today that we accomplished what we long ago set out to do. All I can think about it the people in the planes, and in the towers, and in the Pentagon and their families. What must they be feeling today?

I would never compare my journey to become a mom/battle with IF to either of these things. But when you spend so much time focusing on your own negative thoughts and feelings, sometimes it is good to take a step back and realize that there is so much more going on in this world.