Yeah, That's Exactly What I Needed to See

Because the day couldn't be sucking any more, what I really needed to see on the TV at the gym was the Duggars and their 50 kids and the episode where she gives birth to the youngest--in full detail (there was actually a disclaimer warning of a live birth).

'Cause seeing super fertile woman give birth and all the other kids running around was EXACTLY what this PMS-y, hormonal, emotional, bitchy, crampy, spotting, bloated, pimple-faced wreck needed to see.

I literally could not even make myself look at the screen. Thankfully, it wasn't right in front of me, but I do glance up at whatever is usually on from time to time as distraction.

I hate being that way.

I Asked for a Sign

Careful what you ask for.

Last night, I was having one of my "moments". I sat in the shower, praying for a lot of things.

I get this way toward the end of the 2ww. I go between hopeful and discouraged. And I just want something. Some answers. The last few days are the hardest because there are so many symptoms that could mean anything or nothing.

So, I asked for some sign.

I asked for a sign so I wouldn't work out too hard this morning, or so maybe I would drink so me wine with the family tonight. Or for any reason at all.

I had some spotting this morning.

How's that for a sign?

It could just be stress brought on by trying to get a project done at work, but I'm fairly certain this is also cramping/sick stomach that I also get.

I was looking forward to a few more days of hopefulness. This is REALLY early. If my period starts today, that will be at most a 12-day LP, but most likely a 10-day. WTH would it be so short?

Anyway, I guess if you ask for the right signs, you'll see results.

That'll teach me!

Yep, I Yelled. And I Make No Apologies

The Hubby and I have definitely had more than one disagreement or stressful moment during this TTC process. It's a stressful time when you've been trying for awhile. Hormones get out of whack. It happens.

Usually, I end up apologizing because I will fully admit to my hormones getting the better of me. And sometimes it's not hormones. It's just pure frustration. And I admit that. And I will apologize for that.

I don't apologize for today.

As I've mentioned, I've looked up REs covered by my insurance and just needed The Hubby to do the same so I could cross-reference before choosing. I really should have had him do this a week or so ago, but things have been a bit stressful and crazy at work and that took up way too much of my brain power. So, this afternoon, I tell him that I need him to do that for me tomorrow when he's at work.

He asks why. His reasoning is that we don't know if this time "worked."

Absolutely correct, but I can't keep waiting for that or we'll never get anything done. So, I tell him that, no, we don't know, but we need to go ahead and get an appointment set up (I realize that I could set up an appointment without him, but I reall don't want to start somewhere and find that he's not covered). I also tell him I'm not really sure about this time because I'm fairly certain I O'd a day later than I expected (since I'm not charting, I obviously don't know this to be a fact, but knowing my body and the signs, I'm pretty sure). At this point, I was not annoyed with him. Just stating some facts.

Then he says it. "You need to stop stressing about it. Everybody tells me we should just relax and have fun with it."

All of my fellow TTC ladies can probably tell me right now where this story goes from here.

This is where I yelled.

I asked him if he had any clue at all. Does he not realize that we are way past that? That even if I was a little stressed or "trying too hard" all this time that a year and a half of unprotected, fairly well-timed sex that does not lead to a pregnancy damn near screams fertlity issues? Has he not paid attention to anything I have ever told him?

Now, this is not the first time he has made a similar statement. For the first six months or so, I let it go. I didn't like it, but I let it go. After about 9 cycles or so, I tried to do a bit more educating. Just letting trying to help him understand how it all works. Today, I was fed up.

I'm tired of waiting and sugar-coating all this for him and his ego. While I've put of further testing partially for myself and my own anxieties, I've also put it off for him.

The Hubby is the type who likes a status quo, a simple answer, few changes. He worries a little too much about rocking the boat and what's going to happen after the change. It's one of the reasons it took us seven years to get married and another year, despite our ages, to start TTC. I basically have to push the subject.

Because I know this about him and I understand, I've tried to be patient. I understand that he's worried to find out something is wrong with him. He generally has that feeling to begin with--he hates going to the doctor because he's always afraid of being told something bad. He worries about this, I know, because he thinks if something is wrong with him that is preventing us from having children that I'll blame him and not want him. Logically, he knows that isn't true, but it's a fear. And, again, it's a fear I can completely understand.

But, we have got to get past our fears and anxieties. It's time. We need to know.

While I don't like to yell and get my way in that manner, it did work. I left the room after yelling and when I came back he asked what he needs to do exactly.

I'd like to think he actually thought about what I said and understood.

But, it may just be because I yelled.

Either way, a step closer to testing!

There Is Something to Be Said about Relaxing

I feel about 10 times better mentally than I have in awhile.

By no means does temping every day stress me out. Quite the opposite. I love knowing what is going on with my body. But, I had hit the point where I was trying to analyze too much and wonder what every temp, OPK, and CM meant. I knew last cycle when I got pisses at a temp that should have meant nothing that it was time for the break.

I think it has been good for both me and The Hubby. Me not worrying = him not worrying. And I love that if I initiate sex and he asks if I'm ovulating, I can honestly say I don't know. Of course, I have a pretty good idea since I'm pretty "regualar" on that and I am checking CM. But, I'm not using OPKs, so no pressure there. Just having fun.

We had sex on the living room floor in the middle of the afternoon the other day. Couldn't tell you the last time we were that spontaneous.

I will go back to temping next cycle since we will hopefully be in with an RE and I'll need to know exact dates for certain tests. But for now, I'm extremely happy to relax.

Baby Steps

I just laughed at myself about 20 seconds after the post title popped into my head.

Oh, the irony.

I have felt a bit hypocritical lately. I "preach" sometimes to ladies on the TTGP board about testing and here I've sat afraid to do much of anything for about 5 months.

That stops now. I made the first step.

CD2 and I logged onto my insurance provider's website and looked up REs in my area. I think I may have picked one.

I actually made step two, if I want to get specific. Although, this one should have been step one probably. I've never been good at rules. I also looked up the specifics of infertility insurance coverage through my plan. I've known testing and treatment is covered and the numbers, but not the specifics.

So, check and check.

Next step will be checking The Hubby's coverage more in depth. I know he has some coverage as a girl he works with once gave him the name of an RE she used who is covered under their insurance. Now, I just need to see if we have some overlap in the doctors. And figure out if he needs a referral from his PCP, which I'm sure he goes--stupid HMOs.

I actually got pretty emotional looking at the RE websites. I so, so, so did not want to be looking at them. It just made it seem too real. Both good and bad.

It also occurred to me that I have to accept that I'm probably going to have to give up the hope of a 2011 baby. Odds are at this point, I'm not getting pregnant on my own. This cycle, which would give me an EDD in November, is kind of going to be a break. Next cycle will, if all goes according to plan, be testing and while we will still be trying on our own during that, odds aren't in our favor. Then there is treatment if we go there.

It's a little daunting to think about. So, I won't.

I really wanted October. I thought it would be so cool with our anniversary(ies) being in October. And the timing of my EDD would have really worked well with time off at work (not with actual workload as I would missing a large bulk of our busiest time, but I can't think about that)--8 weeks of maternity leave would have taken me to mid-December, which would have coincided perfectly with the two weeks I already have scheduled for the end of the year every year, then I could have used two more weeks from the next year for a total of 12 weeks. Perfect!

Not in my world, though.

But, not dwelling on that.

Time to look forward and move forward.